|Marriage & Wedding Information|
Beyond Her Grasp
I am a woman, 42, who three years ago married a wonderful man who will be 48 on his next birthday. I love him very, very much. The only problem is our sex life is horrible. Pretty much nonexistent. I can safely say we have had sex maybe 20 times in our six year relationship.
When I've tried numerous times to talk to him, he gets defensive and says, "There's nothing wrong with me." He also says, if I want to have sex, I should just say so. But when I make advances, he pushes me away thinking I am playing with him. Then he leaves the room. Of course I get frustrated, out of the mood, and give up.
I love my husband so much I don't make a big deal of it, although I know this is not normal or healthy. I can't get him to go to counseling or discuss this. I am at my sexual peak, and I am tired of dreaming of sex with other men. I want our relationship to work, but I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
Claire, you can work on planting a garden, you can work on your weight loss, you can work on your reading speed. But you cannot work on someone else's problem, unless they are willing, and failure is guaranteed when they tell you they do not have a problem.
Thoreau said, "It takes two to speak the truth--one to speak and another to hear." Your husband will not hear or discuss reality, the reality of the situation as you see it. You married him knowing he had this problem. Marriage does not cure a problem, it makes you a party to it for awhile.
Is this the hard lesson you had to learn? That you cannot marry a man with a serious problem and expect to fix it.
Calling Her Bluff
I've been with my boyfriend for four years, and he is going through the longest divorce known to man. His soon-to-be ex knows of me and told him she is insanely jealous. She makes my life complete hell by e-mailing him sexual innuendoes, asking him for expensive gifts, and calling him an average of 12 times a day.
I told him to cut the cord. If he wants to be with me, he has to protect me, be true to me, and make me feel secure in this relationship. We even tried counseling a few years back, and then he cheated on me with her. Many times I told him to get on with this divorce or I would be gone, but it doesn't seem to scare him anymore.
How do I get my point across to this man, and do I have any grounds to tell this woman to leave him alone and just tend to her children?
Paige, the one thing which may set you free is to look on this situation from a different point of view. He didn't cheat on you with her. She's his wife. He's cheating on her with you. You describe her as his soon-to-be ex, but "soon-to-be ex" is a term more likely to describe your future, not hers.
You threaten and threaten to leave, and you never do. Bluffing in poker may be good strategy, but bluffing in life is weak. Once your bluff is called, you've lost all power and all credibility. And counseling? Think about how funny that is. You went for relationship counseling with a man in a marriage to another woman.
Why do you keep plodding forward? Because you want to be married. There is nothing wrong with that. But you cannot marry someone who is already married. There is a simple solution. Don't give up wanting to be married, just give up married men.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 22, 2004
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Advice on Wedding Invitation Wording
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Every woman dreams of her own wedding. May it be a small gathering in a picturesque orchard, a grand ball in a gigantic castle or a funky wedding along the coastline, she wants it planned and tailored to her wishes.
Eight Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage
1) Write a mission statement:Most brides spend more time planning for their wedding day than for the marriage itself and are unprepared for what happens after the "I do." More than half of newlyweds will struggle to maintain a fraction of the friendship they now enjoy with their spouse.
Wedding Day Savings
A little strategizing can go a long way when trying to cut down on spending for the big day. Invitations, flowers, and music can cost a small fortune but by making some adjustments to these elements you can have an elegant wedding without breaking the bank.
Mindfulness and Marriage: Moving Along
Marriage has to be the greatest opportunity for mindfulness on the planet.I used to think that parenting took top honors, but really, a good marriage lasts a lot longer than a good childhood.
Ten Beliefs That Can Contribute to an Unhappy Marriage
Have you ever wondered why your marriage isn't happier? If so, you're not alone. Numerous spouses are struggling with the same question.
What Happens If You Dont Wear Proper Wedding Shoes?
Here comes the bride! Walking through the alley confidence holding her father's arm, but suddenly the shoes slip and she fell down. Wow?knocks on wood, hope that don't happen you.
Wedding Cake Design Through History
The design of the traditional wedding cake has varied greatly over time. Once a sign of fertility, the wedding cake of the Roman Empire was made of wheat or Barley.
Wife Smarter Than Husband?
Is it safe for a wife to be smarter than her husband?Of course! Men who cannot afford social ornaments sometimes want inferior wives. Why? Often because they harbor a great sense of inferiority.
10 Valentines Day Tips for Spouses Who Want to Improve Their Marriage
The best and most valuable gifts are often not material ones. While many spouses focus on Valentine's Day gifts such as jewelry or candy, spouses who are willing to invest the time and energy can give one of the most precious gifts possible-an improved, satisfying marriage.
Beautiful Balloon Wedding Decorations
Need a quick idea to dress up a mediocre wedding? Balloon decorations are just what you need. These do-it-yourself ideas are not only low-cost but also lovely additions to a wedding ceremony or reception.
Wedding Dresses - How to Select the Best One for You
Every bride would agree that her wedding dress should be perfect - not only does she want to look her best, on her special day, but her wedding dress also is the center of everybody's attention. But how would you select the best one for you? Here is advice about selecting the best dress for your wedding.
Why does Co-dependence arise? Well because two or more individuals make an unconscious contract with each other to try to satisfy the unmet needs of the other. Initially, especially in the case of a couple, this contract is defined as "love".
Be Thankful for a Faithful Husband
If your husband is faithful, you have much to be thankful for. Faithful husbands are in short supply.
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