Relationships Information

Learning to Trust Again

Eleven o'clock on a weeknight I found myself phoning a man whom I'd recently met. We had been talking regularly and I just wanted to hear the sound of his voice.

No answer. After four rings his answering machine kicked in and I hung up. How strange. This man made a point of staying home during the week in order to get up at 5:00 a.m. for work. "Call me any time before midnight," he had suggested. "I'm usually reading or listening to music."

There could only be one explanation - another woman. I'd met him through a phone dating system. Obviously he had made a date with someone else and at this very moment could be in her arms. I stalked back and forth in my living room. Why had I expected him to be different? Just because he was punctual and said he "really really" liked me didn't mean that I could trust him.

The next evening he called to say that he'd fallen asleep early. The phone had jarred him awake at eleven but there had been no message. He still sounded annoyed.

"Probably a wrong number," I said quickly. Good thing he couldn't see my face, because I could feel my cheeks flush.

That was when I realized that I had an issue with trust. Of course it takes time and experience to get to know someone - but I'd been quick to jump to conclusions. I took a long, hard look at my life. I claimed to have no luck meeting suitable men over the age of 40 and none of my relationships lasted more than a few months. Why? Looking back, I realized that I had chosen men who were unavailable - either physically (separated by distance) or emotionally.

Deep down I believed that men could NOT be trusted. Upon further reflection, I saw that my belief could be traced to feelings of betrayal in a long-ago relationship - the disillusion and let down I had experienced in so many ways by the man I'd married.

In the years following my divorce I had dated men with charm and charisma, who were also unreliable or unpredictable. I just wasn't attracted to serious, responsible partners - they seemed boring by comparison. I poured my energy into my career and creative work and largely ignored my here-again, gone-again love life.

What had changed? With time I grew tired of relationships that were going nowhere. I decided that I wanted to meet an honest man with integrity, someone I could truly respect and appreciate. I also decided that I'd rather remain happily single than be with anyone who didn't fit the bill.

That decision opened the door to a different kind of relationship - one based on friendship and trust.

How about YOU - are you ready to trust again? Here are some ways to tell:

  • Do you harbour feelings of resentment or betrayal? If so, something in your current life can trigger these feelings and surprise you with their impact. For instance a new partner who arrives late for dinner one evening can remind you of an habitually tardy spouse and bring up unexpected anger. When you consistently "overreact," recognize that you have a problem and trace it back to its source.

  • Are you healed from the past? It is important to give yourself enough time to get over a person who once meant so much to you. If necessary, get help and support in coming to terms with your past. To truly heal, you also need to let love into your current life. Focus on developing nurturing friendships and new interests.

  • Examine your beliefs - What do you REALLY believe or expect from members of the opposite sex? That they are out for what they can get? Unfortunately you will attract whatever you expect. It is also important to believe that you deserve to be well treated.

  • Is there a pattern to your dating experiences? Are you drawn to the same type of character - e.g. someone who always puts you down, doesn't do what he or she says, or has problems with drugs, alcohol or money? You may be disillusioned with love and feel you have bad luck when it comes to the people you meet. However you CHOOSE these partners for a reason. Look back and check for similarities. Then ask yourself what beliefs you must hold to continually repeat this pattern.

What I discovered is that I don't need to trust a man as much as I NEED TO TRUST MYSELF. That is, to know that I am strong enough to leave a relationship that isn't working for me. To do this, I need a high level of self-esteem and I must be used to treating myself well. Moonlight and roses just don't cut it for me anymore - not if that's all there is.

Copyright 2004 by Thelma Mariano

About The Author

Thelma Mariano, life coach and author, is dedicated to bringing clarity and direction to people's lives. See her on-line coaching programs, articles and column at

This RSS feed URL is deprecated, please update. New URLs can be found in the footers at

Winona Daily News

Amy Dickinson: This 'Mr.' wonders how to become 'Grandpa'
Winona Daily News
Grandparents, ideally, are involved, caring and kind. They offer a soft place for their grandchildren to nestle, removed from the pressures of other relationships. They love without harsh judgment. They create a positive presence, even when they are ...

and more »

Double Standards in Relationships – Black Love – Relationship Hypocrisy (Watch)
*Attorney Antonio More and radio personality Zo Williams of Dash Radio discuss the hypocrisies that exist in our modern relationships. The two have a powerful dialogue along with call in guest on what the double standards are in our relationships ...

and more »


This relationship rant from a cryptocurrency bro is a real, true nightmare
Take, for example, the tale of this man, who is being thoroughly criticized for a post (since deleted) on the subreddit r/relationships. In the post, he wonders how to make his girlfriend, with whom he has a tense and sometimes incendiary relationship ...

The Wild Hunt

Column: Twilight in Deity and Spirit Relationships
The Wild Hunt
In the period between Yule and Imbolc, I often notice myself reflecting broadly on the gods and spirits whose influence recedes at this point in the wheel's turning and those thoughts necessarily draw my mind to the gods and spirits in my own practice ...

and more »

Challenges posed by long-distance relationships
Youngstown Vindicator
When people ask how my husband and I get through months spent on different continents, the conversation always turns to technology. Just a generation ago, long-distance calls were rare and expensive. Today, a video call costs nothing, and it takes only ...

and more »

Bravo (blog)

Guess Who's Horrible at Relationships? Rich People, a New Study Says
Bravo (blog)
You can possess anything you want, but you can't keep a friend. Rich people problems. A new study says that people who have tons of dough have trouble in their relationships. According to psychologists at the University of Waterloo, being of a higher ...

How Trump's relationships with Graham, Corker have evolved during first year of presidency
ABC News
By the end of the year, Trump and Graham's relationship had done such a 180-degree turn that Graham was criticizing the media for labeling Trump with the exact same term he himself had used earlier in the year. “What concerns me about the American ...
A 's-show': Relationships fray in immigration
Donald John Trump | TheHillThe Hill

all 2,956 news articles »


Why Are Toxic Relationships So Hard To End? New Research Shows The Problem Isn't You, It's Them
Why do we keep difficult people around? It can be one of the oddest social questions about human relationships: When people are toxic, miserable, negative, or psychologically bad for us, what motivates us to maintain our ties with them rather than ...

Wealth may drive preference for short-term relationships: Rresource ...
Science Daily
According to new research by psychologists, resource-rich environments may cause people to favor short-term relationships.

and more »

Next Big Future

Tech Tuesday in Davos to power relationships in the Tech community
Next Big Future
Tech Pioneers and Influencers will gather at Steigenberger Grandhotel Belvédère on January 23, 2018 to exchange Ideas, discuss latest trends and network. Introducing Leaders, a strategic business initiative that brings together global leaders ...

and more »

Google News

home | site map
© 2007