Relationships Information


Relationship Advice: After the Break Up - Creating an Exit Door in Your Heart


Q. It's been over a year since the guy I thought I would be married to broke up with me. He said he was just scared to make the commitment. I felt like I tried really hard and did the best I could in this one. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday. I can't seem to get over this no matter how hard I try. I'm afraid that there will never be anyone else that I can get that close to or who will understand me. I keep trying to figure out where I went wrong.

A. A year is a long time to feel bad, and usually much longer than is necessary.

I'm going to guess about a few things that might be going on here.

Reliving the relationship

Many times when a person is still feeling as bad as you do more than a year later, it's because you've spent the last year reliving the relationship. This comes in the form of trying to figure out exactly what went wrong, fueled by the inaccurate belief that if you could just figure out exactly what went wrong, then you could let go.

The reality is that spending so much time trying to figure out what went wrong keeps you attached to the relationship and prevents you from moving on.

Relationships are messy things, and many times we can never really know exactly what went wrong.

Our brains are very obedient at times. If you keep asking your brain to figure out what you did wrong, it's going to search for all kinds of reasons, and you are going to wind up feeling like a failure.

My guess is while the relationship failed, you did not.

If you are with someone who is just not ready to commit, you cannot fail.

This is because when there is no possibility of success, you simply cannot fail.

Differences between men and women

I'm about to speak in general about the differences between men and women, which is always a dangerous thing. But here goes: In general, men have two doors to their hearts, one marked enter and one marked exit. Women don't have an exit door to their hearts, which makes getting over someone much more difficult.

Creating an exit door

You need to create an exit door in your heart and then show this guy, and the pain and hurt, right out the door.

Relationships end.

If the desired outcome and measure of success is a committed marriage, then all the other relationships before marriage are failed relationships.

But if you handled yourself well, feel good about your behavior and choices, and even used what you learned in other relationships in this one, then you were successful.

Consider what you learned in this relationship that you can use to make the next one(s) better.

If you learned what a commitment-challenged guy looks like and that these relationships don't work out, then it was time well spent.

Make a list of all the things you learned from this one that will help you in the future.

Since this guy was too scared to commit, then he did you a favor by breaking up with you. Marriage to a commitment-challenged person is a disaster and a divorce looking for a place to happen.

Here's a fun little trick to help show this guy out the exit door of your heart:

Imagine a picture of the relationship in your mind. It feels like it's right out in front of you, a few inches from your face, and difficult to see past. Take that picture and imagine moving it off to the side of you, out of view. Feels better, doesn't it?

Practice this and you will be able to show him the exit door to your heart, and soon, you will picture it behind you altogether.

And then you will be ready to move on.

Leading relationship expert Jeff Herring is a Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Nationally Syndicated Relationship columnist.

You can read more practical tips, common sense relationship advice and occasional humor at his website SecretsofGreatRelationships.com


MORE RESOURCES:
This RSS feed URL is deprecated, please update. New URLs can be found in the footers at https://news.google.com/news


Telegraph.co.uk

Why we need to end blame culture around toxic relationships
Telegraph.co.uk
Ariana ended her relationship of almost two years with the rapper and producer in May and was forced to open up about the toxic nature of the relationship only a short while later, after she received abuse online following Miller's arrest for drink ...
Pete Davidson on Instagram: “@nbcsnl back next week. fuck the internet tho...”Instagram

all 92 news articles »


Baltimore Sun

Baltimore man told police that hatred of interracial relationships inspired fatal Times Square stabbing
Baltimore Sun
Timothy Caughman described himself on Twitter as a can and bottle recycler, an autograph collector, and a good businessman. The 66-year-old had a knack for spotting celebrities on the streets of New York, and managed to get stars like Oprah and Wyclef ...

and more »


New York Post

Being in a relationship is making us fatter
New York Post
Three out of four Americans in a relationship (79 percent) are carrying around a bit of “love weight,” according to new research. A study of 2,000 people in relationships found that the average respondent had gained 36 pounds since they've first ...

and more »


Telegraph.co.uk

Police chiefs knew undercover officer was in relationship with activist, documents reveal
Telegraph.co.uk
Police were aware that undercover officer Mark Kennedy was in a relationship with an environmental activist and allowed it to continue, official documents show. In public statements up until recently, police have said they would never sanction such ...
Met bosses knew of relationship deception by spy Mark KennedyThe Guardian
Mark Kennedy: Met Police 'admit knowing about undercover officer's sexual relationship but let it continue'The Independent
Police 'aware' undercover officer was in relationshipBBC News
CNN International -RightsInfo -Nottinghamshire Live
all 165 news articles »


Hot Springs Sentinel

Relationships, strong connections key to preventing suicides, panel says
Hot Springs Sentinel
Building relationships and forming strong connections with individuals who are in crisis are keys to helping prevent suicide, panelists at this year's Moving Forward: Suicide Prevention Conference 2018 said Thursday. The panel discussion "Responding to ...



Mirror.co.uk

How one man has broken up 4000 relationships and caused 17 divorces - in just 10 days
Mirror.co.uk
Sitting down to watch Netflix on a Saturday night is something many people do with their other half. If so, you might want to steer clear of Daniel Sloss' show - as it might lead to bit of an awkward moment or, worse still, the demise of your relationship.
The man that has broken up 17 marriages and 4000 relationshipsCambridge News
Meet the comedian whose routine has broken up 4000 relationships in just 10 days.Birmingham Live
Oh. A man just single-handedly broke up thousands of relationships… and counting.Mamamia
WalesOnline -Plymouth Herald -Scottish Daily Record
all 10 news articles »


HotNewHipHop

Tiffany Haddish Claims She Prefers Her Blanket & Sex Toys Over Relationships With Men
HotNewHipHop
I mean, my personal relationships haven't been that good, but I have been keeping up with my weighted blanket and my toys that I get off of Groupon," admitted Haddish. "And batteries! Batteries are a girl's best friend... I like how the band looking at ...
Tiffany Haddish Doesn't Need Men, She Has A BlanketYouTube

all 32 news articles »


Salon

Dan Savage calls BS on the bad fantasies that make relationships even harder
Salon
Relationships are so complicated because people are so complicated,” says Savage. “But people make it worse. People make what is already complicated and already difficult harder and more difficult by clinging to bullshit fictions.” The fictions to ...



YourTango

6 Signs Your Relationships Is Suffering A Major Disconnect
YourTango
Relationships go through all kinds of phases, and as time passes, our personalities and interests shift. That's totally natural. The goal (which is easier said than done) is to stay connected with your partner through these changes. Some of these ...



Lincoln Journal Star

'Chicago Fire,' 'Med' & 'PD' Showrunners Tease New Characters, Relationships & Struggles
Lincoln Journal Star
Several months have passed since paramedic Gabby Dawson took a gig as a volunteer medic in Puerto Rico (Monica Raymund exited Fire in May), and her husband, Matt Casey (Jesse Spencer), "isn't coping very well with the long-distance relationship," ...
Chicago Med – TV InsiderTV Insider
Elias Koteas – TV InsiderTV Insider
Jason Beghe – TV InsiderTV Insider

all 21 news articles »

Google News

home | site map
© 2007